Are John and Kate doomed to "Black Sleep of Kali Ma"?

This is a satirical post, don't take it too seriously.

We need to get John and Kate back together. Here's my plan:

What is needed is a situation of such proportions that it makes the "Parent Trap" looks like an obvious ruse. With people of this caliber of celebrity, and resources it's going to take something special to rope them in so that they are invested enough to change their feelings toward one another.

First, we must kidnap the children and whisk them off to a desolate and poor village in India. There, we can arrange for a band of henchmen to kidnap all of the villages children (along with children 1-8) and put them to work, mining for some of the five fabled Sankara stones, which promise fortune and glory...

After, John and Kate will pretty much take it from there. They will find the secret notes left for each of them and realize that they both have to run to India to rescue their kidnapped children. Grabbing the closest 13 year old Chinese boy they can find (to act as a Cantonese interpreter, guide, and someone who believes the baby elephant that transports him in India is a reincarnation of his brother Chu) and head to India alone.

After an uncomfortable card game on the airplane (with tensions rising between the Chinese boy and John) and a terrible connection at the Shanghai Highest International Terminal Airport, the three will charter a plane to India. A plane that, unbeknownst to them, will be piloted by affiliates of Kate's evil boss from her stint at TGI Fridays years ago.

To settle an old score from when Kate accusing the then manager of TGIF for shorting her on her tips, the associate-pilots will jump out of the plane, leaving the three to die in a fiery crash! Thankfully, the plane that they chartered is also carrying hundreds off rafts destined for a Mountain Equipment Co-op store in North America.

The trio will manage to escape while flying over the Himalayas on an inflatable boat and ride down the slopes into a raging river, which will eventually lead them to the desolate and poor Indian village where they will learn of the kidnapped children (including numbers 1-8). Close call! This will surely bring them together more than any 'weekend-therapy-retreat' ever would! Kate will then totally "bitch-out" on the locals when they try and share their food with her.

John and Kate plus one Asian will then seek out the nearest Palace overflowing with evil characters and (oddly) be warmly welcomed. Kate will then learn what awful local food really
looks like. Then everyone will go to bed; as it has been a long couple of days. Being viewers of the show, the evil dudes at the palace will provide separate rooms for the struggling couple so that they don't fight all night keeping everyone up. It will also serve and ulterior motive the Palace baddies have in store as well.

Late at night, an assassin will make an attempt on John's life. Poor assassin. Not knowing that John played Daniel San in the Singapore Middle school presentation of "The Karate Kid", he would not be ready for the ass kicking he will soon receive! The assassin will bugger off, and pretty much leave a trail of bread crumbs to the secret underground temple where the dudes who kidnapped the village children (including 1-8) to mine for the five fabled Sankara stones are hanging out. The assassination attempt will really make John think about life and what's really important, causing him to look at Kate in a new light.

Once there, the situation will really start to stir John and Kate up. John will drink the Blood of Kali and fall into a trance, Kate will almost be sacrificed, and they will both see hearts get ripped out of people's chest (a symbolic gesture that will NOT be lost on the couple) all of which is really going to wake them up to what's really been going on between them. They've been trying to rip each other's hearts out (figuratively) while being drunk on the Blood of Kali (the self centered-ness of celebrity).

Once this is realized, they will no longer be trying to rescue their gaggle of children and escape as two individuals, but instead as one married couple in love. The experience will not only benefit the parents, but the discipline and hard labor from working in a mine, and the courage and success of escaping their stronger captors may even help the 1-8 as they grow through their formative years.

A simple ride on a century old mining cart on rickety track will bring them to their escape, and then with a simple switch of a knife (just like they did with their wedding cake) they'll cut the rope bridge supporting their evil pagan pursuers thus sending them to their deaths. Once done, the family (now closer than ever) will return to the Indian village to rejoice with the locals newly reunited with their children. John and Kate will then, undoubtedly dispense their parenting wisdom to the poor wives and fathers of the village, their strong bond or marital love shining through to all...

Through these easy steps, I think that we can bring John and Kate back together again so that they can have many, many more seasons * I mean * years of happy marriage. In turn, society can then feel relieved that one of the lynch pins holding our families together, is here to stay.
As I said before, this is just one idea. Let's hope we get them together before it's too late.


1 Response to Are John and Kate doomed to "Black Sleep of Kali Ma"?

  1. Marko Peric Says:
    I don't know whether to say that's the nuttiest thing I've ever read, or to just to start humming the Indiana Jones theme song.