There have been several times in my life where I have found myself saying something when afterward I ask "Why in heavens did I just say that..."?
These times are far outnumbered by the "Why in heavens did I just DO that...", but nonetheless they exist.
There was the time when I was two and dropped my cookie at my grandmother's house shook my little fists and dropped my first F-Bomb (guess I may have not regretted that one...I was two). Also, on a flight from Phoenix to New York the stewardess asked me if I wanted to fly in the cockpit with the pilot, and I replied "No thank you" before I even knew what was happening. This still baffles me as to why they invited me to do that! Not the sort of thing that you would see happen today.
Where these are two less than funny things, yesterday I said something that the TBS Department of Humor Analysis told me was 'very funny'.
It was payday, and Nancy and I were standing in line at the bank waiting to deposit. When we walked up to the teller, we were kindly asked "How may I help you?"
I replied, "We'd like to deposit this..."
The reason I froze this story here, is because this is a very important moment in the story. If we could look into my brain at the time, we would see me running through a list of nouns that I was going to colorfully name my paycheck. 'Puppy', 'big guy', 'whopper', bad boy', "mama', but what actually came out after a one second pause was..... 'kitten'.
EXERCISE: Say "We'd like to deposit this kitten' with a one second pause after the word 'this'.
If you did this exercise, you'll see where I am going.
"....Kitten." Uh-oh....did I just...? I look over to find Nancy who I see is looking at me like "What did you call her that for!?!?!" You see, the thing is, she understands me. She knew what I was doing. She also knows that most things like this go very, very badly when I'm involved.
So when I look over at my wife, that's it. I realize what I had done. I begin to crack up. I just called this 45 year old bank attendant 'Kitten' like she was some sort of Las Vegas stripper.
I wait, at that moment so little time had passed since I said kitten, and the lady went on her business. Then my wife started to walk away around the corner...
I look over to see what Nancy is doing (out of sight of the banker). She is absolutely losing it. I am done for. Head down and smiling trying everything within my power to KEEP IT TOGETHER!
"What did you say you wanted to do?" Kitten asks me. This proves to be too much for me. I am smiling now...close to losing it. "Deposit it please...".
Now I am alone. I have called an old women kitten; even with a little flair when I said it; and I have been abandoned by my wingman.
I see Nancy, and realize that she has lost it, laughing to the point of tears. Then I go. Head down and smiling trying everything within my power to KEEP IT TOGETHER!
Bumbling through the rest of the transaction laughing with tears in my eyes trying not to look 'Kitten' straight in her lazy eye, and attempting to hide the giggles as best I could. We finished, I walked over to Nancy and we both burst out laughing, walked to the car, and soaked everything in....I still don't know if the banker even heard me.